…I am with you always, even to the end of the age. (Matthew 28:20)
I sit and wait for the Lord to answer my prayers. Yet, sometimes I feel as though I am all alone in this world. He doesn’t hear me, He doesn’t answer me, and He doesn’t give me my hearts desires.
It is a wrestle, every day. Where are you Lord and why are you not giving me what I want? You said it, ”Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4). I’m delighting Lord… and I am not receiving. It is selfish really, but it is the way I feel.
I am reminded time and time again of the many men and women in the Bible. Many of them waited for such a long time for the Lord to speak to them. For example, John the Baptist served faithfully in the wilderness for many years, for a measly 6-month ministry. I’m not saying his ministry was weak or small or he didn’t do amazing things preparing the way for the Lord, but 6 months? Seriously? That goes by in the blink of an eye. Or even think of Jesus for that matter, 30 years of waiting, for it to all go down in a short 3 ½ years. What were they thinking? Did they feel as I feel? I guess I will only know one day, when I speak to them face to face.
This day and age, we’ve been programmed. Whether it be from our parents, our friends, our colleagues, the media, or simply just the world around us. We think because the world says, you must do something amazing with your life, get a job, get married, have children, have a successful career, that for some strange reason sitting at the feet of Jesus like Mary did, seems like I am doing something wrong. The world wants me to be a Martha, and now I just don’t know what I want or what God wants for me.
I feel like I’ve been in a 25-year waiting period. The Lord speaks from time to time, encourages me, and uplifts me, but yet I can so quickly forget about it all. I want answers to life questions: I’m a planner you see. I need to know the basic outline of what I will be doing for my entire life for me to actually be at ease. Here I am, not sure of my external calling, not sure what to do with my life after I finish school, and not sure where my future lies. When the Lord doesn’t speak on these specific matters in my life I feel lost, alone and neglected.
With all that said, when it comes down to it, He knows me. He really knows every little part of me, he fashioned me himself for crying out loud, I should be able to trust that he has my best interests in mind.
Psalm 139:1-6 says this,
1 O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off.
3 You comprehend my path and my lying down, And are acquainted with all my ways.
4 For there is not a word on my tongue, But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
5 You have hedged me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is high, I cannot attain it.
So I will gladly continue on this journey: this journey of enchanting highs and dreary lows.
But I know, Lord, you are with me always. I don’t get you, I don’t get your plans and frankly I feel left out sometimes. But your ways are bigger than mine, and I trust you.